Haimchinkel Malintz Anaynikal

"Observing these figures makes me more determined than ever to follow the simple rules laid down by the Dean of Business Philosophers, Haimchinkel Malintz Anaynikal: 1- Stick to thine own business. 2- Watch thy shop. 3- Limit thy losses. 4- Watch thy expenses like a hawk. 5- Stay humble, humble, humble. 6- When dealing with a new account, know thy customer and know thy customer’s money is up. At the partners meeting two weeks ago, it was pointed out to me by Haimchinkel Malintz Anaynikal that the hors d’oeuvres had been upgraded considerably from peanuts. You will be happy to know that we are now back to peanuts. This may seem like a small saving, but it’s the thought that counts."

"I think it is particularly important that all of us take a little time and review some fundamentals: 1. We must continue doing our best to control expenses. Every dollar we save on expenses goes directly to the bottom line. That is what all of us should be concerned about, or you are at the wrong firm. Expenses should be watched at all times, but especially when business is good. 2. We must continue to be alert for scams and con artists. We must watch for unusual behavior by the people we work with. What is unusual behavior? Something subtle like somebody who drives a Rolls-Royce on a salary that can barely support roller skates. 3. Do the people you work with answer phone calls in a courteous manner? Are all phone calls returned? I couldn’t care less what a person does in his own home, but I am a nut about returning phone calls that are made to our personnel during the workday. I do not care if the caller is selling malaria. Calls must be returned! 4. Are the receptionists and telephone operators in all of our offices warm and courteous, and if they are, are they thanked appropriately? Remember that in most cases the first contact a client has with us is through a telephone operator or receptionist. 5. Do you and your associates leave word where you are at all times so that finding you is not like hunting for the Andrea Doria? 6. In September of 1983, a memo was distributed with a quote from the works of Haimchinkel Malintz Anaynikal. It is worth repeating. “A man will do well in commerce as long as he does not believe that his own body odor is perfume.” That still holds true. We must not get cocky or over-confident."

"“The business you are in is just plain difficult at this time. When you entered the industry, you were warned that it was cyclical but bull markets tend to cloud realism. You are now in a period that separates the men from the boys. Mrs. Haimchinkel Malintz Anaynikal suggests that when the going gets tough—go shopping! A certain officer of Bear Stearns suggests that when the going gets tough—start selling positions! My suggestion is that when the going gets tough—the tough get going! You have no option but to follow my suggestion. If you do, you will prosper beyond your wildest dreams when the market turns— and it will. Your advisor, junior grade Itzhak Nanook Pumpernickanaylian”"

"Our pretax margins were 26.6% for the first 9 months of this year and are the highest in the industry. I am sorry to report that for the same period our return on equity was 25% and ranks only 2nd in the industry. This ranking of our R.O.E. is disappointing to me and particularly to Haimchinkel Malintz Anaynikal. We are obviously doing something wrong. Let us all set about correcting it. The only statistic I care about is return on equity. After many sessions with some of our business school graduates (yes, we do have some), I think they have helped me understand the secret to improving our R.O.E. It seems that if we increase revenues and cut expenses, return on equity goes up and that is what makes me happy. Please make me happy! I can be very unpleasant when I’m not."

"Remember what Haimchinkel Malintz Anaynikal said—“The time to stop stupidity and be tough on costs is when times are good. Any schlemiel* and most schlimazels* try to cut costs when times are bad.”"

"Over the years Haimchinkel Malintz Anaynikal has stressed: 1. Hire PSD’s.* 2. Make decisions based on common sense and avoid the herd mentality. 3. Control expenses with unrelenting vigil, because if you turn your back for a second they will grow like weeds. 4. Help all departments to grow, because this year’s starlet can be next year’s dog. 5. Beware of catchy phrases—such as “Merchant Banking.” Haimchinkel Malintz Anaynikal knew I was not clear on what Merchant Banking is, so he defined it for me. “Merchant Banking is buying stock in a company whose shares are not publicly traded and the company should be in a business very different from what you are familiar with.” Imagine, all this time I thought Merchant Banking was some esoteric, complicated British secret."

"1. The bear market will end and it can end quickly. 2. A bell will not ring to prepare you for the good times. Remember how great the world looked three months ago? The market can reverse its present course just as dramatically. 3. This market gives all of us a chance to demonstrate what we are made of. Some people go all through life and never get a chance to demonstrate their ability to lead. You are fortunate! You can help the people you work with to get through this by being a leader. Now is the time for real leaders to step up. 4. If you are going to stand tall, keep a few things in perspective. This is nothing next to Auschwitz, Buchenwald or Vietnam. 5. You are working for probably the most liquid firm in Wall Street and our firm, on a relative basis, looks stronger every day and we will keep it that way. 6. Haimchinkel Malintz Anaynikal pointed out that some people for ethnic reasons may get through this period easier than others. For example, I have never felt better or slept sounder, but I do have an advantage over some of my peers at other firms—I am the beneficiary of 5,000 years of persecution. This market will not get me down. It is just a minor challenge."

"I just checked with Haimchinkel Malintz Anaynikal on a philosophical issue that has been bothering me. The question is two-pronged: “Should really rich people answer their own telephones and, if they are occupied when the call comes in, does an immediate return of the call by the millionaire show weakness or a dearth of committee meetings or a lack of attention to strategic planning?” Haimchinkel Malintz Anaynikal had Nookie do some research. The results are conclusive and irrefutable. There is nothing in the Bible, Koran or Talmud that prohibits or encourages the slow answering of a distant yodel or the melodious squawk of a ram’s horn (there were no telephones at the time those books were given or written). In addition, there are no governmental laws that Nookie could find (except for some new and old countries in Eastern Europe) that prohibit answering your own telephone or quickly returning a call."

"One of the basic laws of physics is that objects in motion tend to stay in motion. Your Executive Committee believes in physics, but it also believes in Haimchinkel Malintz Anaynikal. All of us have to work to keep this place rolling. Clients are not interested in our past triumphs (that is why 90% of our competition has disappeared over the past 20 years). Clients want service, ideas and tender loving care."